Thursday, May 28, 2015

since you hate starting over... STOP QUITTING!!

Why is it i feel as though the beginning of every month, sometimes every week, brings about a need for me to start anew with my quest for wellness? The past 11 months have really taken a toll on me physically and mentally. Following my foot injury, which is taking it's sweet time in healing, I have been forced into a sedentary, couch potato lifestyle. Granted, the injury only limits my exercise options, it doesn't force me to devour an entire package of double stuff oreos at 1 am or to stop at Chic Fil A every time I drive by for a fantastic vanilla shake... THOSE are choices I didn't have to make, choices that have contributed to my 40 pound weight gain moreso than my inability to exercise probably has. 

The lack of physical activity, the pain, the discomfort, the forced sabbatical from work, have shrouded me in a cloud of depression that is very difficult to lift. I have bad days. I have better days. I have very few GOOD days. I even got to the point where I was counting the days where I actually got out of bed, showered and dressed (including a bra!) ... the longest streak there was 4 days! I find myself embarrassed and ashamed of the person I have become. I have never been so large, so out of shape, so disgusted with myself. I know the only way to feel better about it is to DO something. I have purchased a membership at a cycling studio. I love spin class. They also offer barre and pilates classes, I love those as well. Or, I did love them. When I was 40 pounds lighter and had finally reached a point that I could actually stand to see myself in the mirror, in spandex no less!
Now I'm just embarrassed to be seen in public. I feel sorry for my husband and my daughter and ashamed that I have become THAT mom. You know, the fat one in the bleachers at the basketball games. The fat one with the slender husband and beautiful, skinny teenage daughter. 

So, that being said. Here we go again... I have invested $300 in myself for the summer. That is the cost of the unlimited summer class special at the studio. I MUST make some changes. I cannot live like this, I cannot stand to even look at myself like this. I cannot explain the anxiety I have and the fear that I face simply opening the door and walking outside in this physical state. What if someone sees me? What if someone wants to talk to me? How in the world am I going to walk into a new gym and face the judgment of strangers when I look like this. You know what I'm talking about, the fat girl at the gym. Yeah, that girl is me. Everyone says, hey, it's ok, we all start somewhere. It's so hard to  grasp that concept. So hard to see these now lean, fit bodies as anything close to the hippo I currently see as I attempt a star plank (which I CAN do even at this size!!). 

Hopefully at the end of the summer, I'll see improvements and start breaking free of this depression. Who knows what my job situation will be (that's an entirely different blog entry). At least the one thing I DO know is that my husband loves me, regardless of the weight gain, the depression, the perimenopausal issues... he loves me. he is an angel. 

I will take measurements as my "before" point and post them here so maybe even the smallest changes will motivate me. .

mid life crisis

Immediately following my high school graduation, I began to pursue a path toward my future which I believed I was supposed to follow based on my family's expectations. I floundered briefly in community college as well as a hospital based nursing program. Within a year, I dropped out to get married and start a family. I put my education and my career aspirations on hold as many life issues presented obstacles to my attainment of those goals. Years passed more quickly than expected. More babies were born. Marriages crumbled. Finances too. Eventually I found my way back to the road I had imagined in my dreams.

I enrolled in nursing school as a 30 year old mother of a toddler and was working full time as a paralegal to make ends meet. I immersed myself into the vision of a better life for myself and my child and became a deans list student while pursuing my nursing degree. I have been one of the lucky ones. I have been able to live my dream and be paid while doing so. I have reached the highest peak in my career both literally and figuratively. I clamored my way up from a bedside nurse to working on the flight team for the past 10 years. The years have taken a toll on my body. The schedule has been grueling. As I watch my children pursue their dreams and encourage them to do what they love instead of what they feel obligated to do, I find myself feeling insincere and hypocritical. All these years, while I have loved having the opportunity to impact so many people's lives, I have suppressed my own creative soul, my artistic heart.

I feel I have reached a point in my life where my family life is such to allow me to finally let go of the practical side of my professional career and finally let that inner artist free. Call it a midlife crisis if you'd like, I prefer to see it as a new chapter in my life. A new beginning in which I have become comfortable in the person I truly am and no longer feel as though I have to do or be something because others expect that from me. I have raised my babies into wonderful adults (or almost adults). I have been the responsible one, the capable one. It's time now for me to explore and develop the beauty that resides inside me and cries desperately to be released in some form of creativity.

I have chosen Interior Design as my new career simply for the obvious creative reasons, but also for the freedom it offers to the designer. Freedom to design, freedom to live, freedom to dream. It's time for me to let loose of the restraints and expectations of others and fly with my own dreams into a world that I can envision and create for myself.