Why is it i feel as though the beginning of every month, sometimes every week, brings about a need for me to start anew with my quest for wellness? The past 11 months have really taken a toll on me physically and mentally. Following my foot injury, which is taking it's sweet time in healing, I have been forced into a sedentary, couch potato lifestyle. Granted, the injury only limits my exercise options, it doesn't force me to devour an entire package of double stuff oreos at 1 am or to stop at Chic Fil A every time I drive by for a fantastic vanilla shake... THOSE are choices I didn't have to make, choices that have contributed to my 40 pound weight gain moreso than my inability to exercise probably has.
The lack of physical activity, the pain, the discomfort, the forced sabbatical from work, have shrouded me in a cloud of depression that is very difficult to lift. I have bad days. I have better days. I have very few GOOD days. I even got to the point where I was counting the days where I actually got out of bed, showered and dressed (including a bra!) ... the longest streak there was 4 days! I find myself embarrassed and ashamed of the person I have become. I have never been so large, so out of shape, so disgusted with myself. I know the only way to feel better about it is to DO something. I have purchased a membership at a cycling studio. I love spin class. They also offer barre and pilates classes, I love those as well. Or, I did love them. When I was 40 pounds lighter and had finally reached a point that I could actually stand to see myself in the mirror, in spandex no less!
Now I'm just embarrassed to be seen in public. I feel sorry for my husband and my daughter and ashamed that I have become THAT mom. You know, the fat one in the bleachers at the basketball games. The fat one with the slender husband and beautiful, skinny teenage daughter.
So, that being said. Here we go again... I have invested $300 in myself for the summer. That is the cost of the unlimited summer class special at the studio. I MUST make some changes. I cannot live like this, I cannot stand to even look at myself like this. I cannot explain the anxiety I have and the fear that I face simply opening the door and walking outside in this physical state. What if someone sees me? What if someone wants to talk to me? How in the world am I going to walk into a new gym and face the judgment of strangers when I look like this. You know what I'm talking about, the fat girl at the gym. Yeah, that girl is me. Everyone says, hey, it's ok, we all start somewhere. It's so hard to grasp that concept. So hard to see these now lean, fit bodies as anything close to the hippo I currently see as I attempt a star plank (which I CAN do even at this size!!).
Hopefully at the end of the summer, I'll see improvements and start breaking free of this depression. Who knows what my job situation will be (that's an entirely different blog entry). At least the one thing I DO know is that my husband loves me, regardless of the weight gain, the depression, the perimenopausal issues... he loves me. he is an angel.
I will take measurements as my "before" point and post them here so maybe even the smallest changes will motivate me. .
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